Backyard Skating Rink

So, what can I say? It's winter and not much is happening....

But, we did do something for fun - we built a little backyard skating rink. We bought Orhan a pair of skates 3 years ago, and he tried them out back then, but after he crashed hard on his butt in public he hasn't made an effort to get back on them since then. Now that we have our private little rink, he actually made another go at it! He did not bad too, for somebody who's basically never skated before (you really can't count that time 3 years ago, he lasted all of 2 minutes on the ice I think).

So I made a little vid of our backyard rink, and since Mehmed enjoys trying out his little tricks & stuff, I thought I'd do a comparison between him and the Turkish Olympic figure skater, Tugba Karademir (pronounced tooba). She's the daughter of Orhan's friend Tayfun, so naturally we thought of her when we watched Mehmed doing his thing...

ftp://

Needless to say, I'm not holding out much hope for any future Olympic potential coming out of our house. On the other hand, I'm praying hard for Tugba to do well in Vancouver!

On a Mehmed note, he seems to be doing great at home, except for a few long-lasting morning tantrums that make us late for school. Really weird things too, like freaking out because the leg of his pants get stuck up inside the leg of the snowpants, or like when he refused to use a cup to gargle after brushing his teeth and absolutely wanted my hand. These are not the kind of things you'd expect to cause a major 20 minute meltdown are they?

But he seems to STILL have problems keeping his hands to himself at school. When I picked him up on Friday, I watched as he pretended two big snowballs were guns, and while he pretended to shoot at this little two year old standing in front of him, I thought, 'Oh Brother', but didn't call him out on it (not expecting invisible bullets to actually cause the other child any harm) - until he just randomly kicked the poor little kid right in front of my eyes. And it was all just part of whatever game he was playing in his imagination. Arg. I usually try to tell myself that there must be some grand divine reason behind these trials, and that maybe one day he'll grow up to be a really peaceful man and a good Muslim. It's kind of hard to remember when you see your really big 6 year old randomly kick a 2 year old and make him cry :(.

Anyways, we're waiting on our next appointment with the pediatrician to review an ADHD form to be completed by his teacher. For kids with true ADHD, apparently the meds are very effective, but when trying them on kids with Autism Spectrum Disorders, it can be really hit and miss. About 75% of Mehmed's "aggressive" behaviour can usually be attributed to impulsiveness, so I'm praying that it helps him, especially at school! And, any improvements on his behaviour (i.e. tantrums) at home would just be icing on the cake.

Well, that's all for now... Happy Snow days!

I forgot I had a blog...

LOL I actually forgot I had a blog. Well, not entirely, but almost.

We've spent the last 3 weeks battling swine flu, viruses & other infections - not always my own, but definately this is starting to feel like a sick house. Mehmed just finished a round of antibiotics on Sunday and he seems to be doing better. Mom had pneumonia, she suffered the worst in the house, partly because she waited too long to get help I think. But her antibiotics seem to be working now and she seems better. Unfortunately I got antibiotics too and they have been helping my chest feel more clear but I have a wicked sore throat and sinuses that seem to follow their own will. But the tickling cough is the thing that's driving me the most NUTS. The antibiotics are not helping those so I guess I'm stuck with it until my body figures out what to do.

I don't remember if I ever blogged about it but in September we bought an SUV - a Mercedes ML320. It was nice, not brand new or anything, (2002) but it was kind of cool to have a Mercedes, and to be able to get into a car without ducking your head down. Anyways, 6 weeks after we got it, on the 23rd of October, Orhan was out doing an estimate for a customer and just after he got out of the driveway and started down the road, a drunk driver came flying down the hill and skidded into Orhan's lane. Thankfully, Orhan and his helper were not injured at all but the car was a write-off. Oh well. I guess we were not meant to have big-name vehicles after all. Lucky for us the Honda hadn't sold yet, so we're back in it and have decided to be grateful for what we've got. Al Hamdu Lillah (Praise be to God).

Anyways, so a cop came over to the house a week or so ago to take the official report on the accident - apparently the officer at the scene failed to do that. So, given all the complaints I've been getting from the school about Mehmed's aggression, I decided to see if he'd tell Mehmed that Mommy and Daddy are not lying when we say that that kind of activity can land you in jail.... man, he didn't scare Mehmed much but he scared me!!! Apparently Orhan and I can get sued if some parent thinks that we haven't done enough to prevent their child from getting injured! Which sucks because there's NOTHING I can do when he's at school. I'm not the one standing there supervising him and able to yell out to stop when I can see something's about to happen. And at the school they are too understaffed for recess to have somebody who can catch him before he's done something. It's so frustrating! The cop did say that he's never seen a kid go to a juvenile detention center before the age of 12.

Gee, how reassuring.

It's lit a flame under my butt though & I'll be meeting with his pediatrician in December to discuss his aggression as well as his hyperactivity (which are kind of connected - he's so impulsive). Thinking I'll cave and try the ADHD meds.... although the last time we discussed it, she advised that kids on the Autistic spectrum only respond well to the ADHD meds 50% of the time, compared to 90% success rate for kids who have just an ADD or ADHD diagnosis. I hope they work for him.

I'm also gonna meet with a Consultant at Kerry's Place - it's a center specializing in helping people with Autism. They will be able to refer us to whatever treatments we might need. I'm thinking he should be getting IBI (intensive behavioural intervention). That probably sounds scarier than it is. From my understanding it's kind of like physiotherapy but the repetitiveness is not physical, it's something that's meant to help him retrain his brain on how to respond appropriately to various stimuli - meant to improve the way he communicates and responds to stresses and stuff.

n e ways.... that's all for now. I guess I am so long-winded I'm better off only updating once every 6 weeks!

Bayram Mubarak Olsun
Eid Mubarak to all the Muslims! (that's coming on Friday).

Happier Play thanks to advice :)

Just updating to say that on Wednesday at Dinosaur school I got awesome advice about how to avoid the gun play. I guess part of the problem was that I partially misunderstood the assignment. We were supposed to allow the kids to completely dominate/rule the method of play - but we didn't have to make them choose the activity - we can first suggest the activity and then role with however they want to play it. So now instead of asking him what he wants to play, I just suggest something and then let him completely rule the play.
So far we've played ladybugs, crafts, his pirhana game, and just lots of fun times. He's so sweet when he's given the command of playing....
And when I picked him up at school on Friday, he was so excited, carrying a Turkey made out of an apple stuck with a popsicle stick and some feathers. Said he wanted to give it to Aunt Sandra (I guess because he remembered that she has REAL turkeys at the farm). It was so cute, I can't wait to go there for Turkey dinner tomorrow!
Anyways, all is well! Guess I have a lot to be thankful for :)
Happy Thanksgiving!

Is it ok to play guns with your kid?

Mehmed started Dinosaur School last night.

After a summer filled with small acts of violence - first in Turkey, hitting, kicking or spitting on what seemed like every kid he encountered, then at Day Camp, then punching two girls on the second day of school.... my days have been remarkably more peaceful since I haven't had any "complaints" since that phone call from the principal on the 2nd day of school. What a relief!

I am of course concerned that part of it is that some of his actions are either not getting caught since most things probably happen at recess with 150 other children in the playground and only one supervising teacher.... But I got to watch him for about 5 minutes from behind a 2-way mirror and he seemed peaceful and content in the Dinosaur School. Mind you he is well supervised and the environment is very calm, but he was happy.

Except for the high-strung emotional outbursts over silly things like still getting frustrated when he can't do up his jacket-zipper, or if I don't hear or understand something he said and he has to repeat himself, I'm starting to feel like I'm just dealing with typical 6 year old parenting stuff. He doesn't listen to me when I tell him it's time to get his pajamas on. Frustrating as hell but pretty typical 6 yr old stuff.

So while Mehmed is in Dinosaur school, the parents are simultaneously given a parenting course -this one is called "The Incredible Years". The number one thing we are advised to do is actually spend more time "playing" with our kids. We are told to play with them for a minimum of 15-20 minutes but on THEIR terms. We cannot take control over how the play is to be made. If the kid wants to park his car in a lake, we can't say "You can't park your car in a lake" - because at their age, it is not going to affect how they grow up or where they actually park their cars by the time they are able to drive. We're also supposed to stay away from competitive games since that is just setting yourself up for failure if the kid loses, and for any activity we cannot impose rules.... let THEIR rules be the rules of the game for that play time. It sounds simple enough but omg it actually is hard.

I used to think I was good at spending time with him but after being told to play with him this way, I realize that most of the time I spend with him is "parenting";
"Get up, get dressed, what do you want for breakfast, it's time to go to school now, don't forget to use your words with your friends if you have a problem, ask a teacher if you need help, hi did you have a good day at school, were you kind to your friends, yes you can play at the playground but only for 5 minutes, I have to make dinner now, wash your hands, come to dinner, eat all your vegetables I only put 3 on your plate, ok you can have dessert, wash your face & hands, go play alone in your room while I clean up from dinner, time for bath, time for pajamas, time for story, are you actually listening to me, go to bed now good night."

omg. NO WONDER he balks at doing stuff sometimes.

So last night, the first night of homework after the Parenting class and Dino school, I actually did play with him on his terms... and what did he want to play? Legos. Great, no problem. Except that he wanted to build the legos into Lego men with guns on their arms and and tank and they had to shoot each other. WHAAAT!!!???

ok, the counsellor didn't say anything about what we're supposed to do when the kids imaginary play is violent. Usually I frown upon gun play and don't allow it, but the counsellor was so specific that we have to give over COMPLETE control to the kid and NOT JUDGE AT ALL in fact we're supposed to complement them on their creativity. WHAAAAT am I supposed to complement when his lego man just killed mine????

So, not knowing the answer to that I actually went with the class instructions - I complemented him on his ability to build the lego men well and I complemented him when his lego man put my lego man in the hospital and healed him, but I pretty much "ignored" the rest, obediently shooting at the bad guy shouting out bullet noises.... wondering all the while am I a bad parent for actually allowing this? Arg. Years ago this wouldn't have been an issue. Every kid played cops & robbers. Hundreds of years ago it was sword fighting. And parents didn't even think twice about it. But in the wake of Columbine, what are we supposed to do? And in light of his apparent obsession, what's a mom to do?

Oh, God please don't let me child grow up violent! Please let him be empathetic and love peace and think of negotiating as the first course of action in all conflicts! Ameen.
Oh and PS please let him be a good Muslim.

Post Ramadan Indulgence and Inspiration....

Since Ramadan is over I am entitled of course to not fast. Yesterday I did, because I have several make up days to do having been sick a few times this year, but today I just did NOT feel up to it. I think I need to re-energize myself. So right now, I am sitting at the computer desk, with a cup of tea, and a lunch of eggs, sausage, feta cheese and 2 olives. SOOOO fatty, but sooooo good. Maybe I'll gain back all the weight I lost but right now at this moment I DON'T care.
And I am spending the day reading a blog by Dave Hingsburger. He is an advocate for people with disabilities. He has written several books on the topic, and speaks at conferences, often as the keynote speaker. I had never heard of him before I discovered his blog (Called Rolling around in my Head). He has posted pretty much every day since October 2006. I've gone back to that beginning and started reading and am now up to January 2007. Some of his posts make me laugh, some of them bring out tears of empathy or joy, and to be honest one or two of them have annoyed me just a little. But the majority just inspire me to be a better human being and to try harder to connect with other human beings in the world around me. So sitting here is my indulgence and reading Dave is my inspiration. I will probably even be stuck here until 3 when I have to get ready to go get Mehmed. Until then, I will be sipping my tea with Dave....

Detoxifying....

So many things I want to do these days.... I want to detoxify my house, my body, my spirit, my parenting skills, the list goes on....

I want to detoxify my house starting with the bathroom that has those overflowing, disorganized cupboards. I actually emptied out the middle ones into one of those big plastic storage tubs that I bought at Wal-Mart. Of course I did that about 2 or 3 weeks ago. The truth is I've had more than enough time to work on it. Nevermind all the other changes I need to make time for in the house, I feel like I can get to that stuff if I can just cross item #1 off my "To Do in the House" list - i.e. the Bathroom.
I want to detoxify my body too. I think the recently completed Ramadan Fasting does help a little with that. But there's a difference between Ramadan fasting and Body-cleansing fasting. Body cleansing fasts involve eating practically nothing at all but organic fruits & vegetables and/or their juices along with whatever herbal detox products might contribute to that. I know that I want to do some healthy things for my body but I find that by sunset I'm too tired to plan a truly healthy meal (well most days anyways - once in a while I actually do get inspired). But I did manage to lose a little bit of weight (not too much, which is the "healthy" way to lose, so they say). I was drinking tons of water at night and before dawn since you can't drink anything during the day. Ironically, I'm sure that I actually drink more water when I'm fasting and deprived of water during the daylight hours. Plus, since I couldn't eat or drink anything during the day, I haven't been drinking coffee, which I have figured out does not agree terribly with my body.
I think that the Ramadan fast does help with cleansing my spirit too, but of course it does also help if I avoid that toxic spirit drainer otherwise known as TV. How is it that my personal resolve is strong enough to abandon eating and drinking for 14 hours straight every day for a month, but I can't seem to abandon watching that stupid mind-numbing box?
But the most important detox is the one cleaning up my parenting skills. Although I think I have improved for the most part in that category. My temper boiled a lot during our 2 months in Turkey and I felt like my hands were tied most of the time from disciplining Mehmed. He'd hit another kid, and I'd place him in timeout, or take him away from the park, and I would constantly feel berated from people for trying to discipline my son. And I wasn't even yelling at him, just timeouts and lectures and stuff.... but "he's just a child", they'd say, "he'll outgrow this." So I should just allow him to continue pressing escalator buttons, kicking other kids, hitting them, spitting on people, and let it all to go unpunished just because he's a child and he "might" outgrow it? Arg. Talk about frustrating. And even they all had to admit that he was an unusually angry child. What was almost as frustrating was that people couldn't see why he was getting angry. They'd see him freak out, having a major tantrum, screaming at me, but they couldn't understand our English well enough to realize that he was freaking out because I hadn't placed his plate just right on the table, or I hadn't phrase my words in the exact order he wanted me to say them. Really odd things that children do not normally get angry about.
Anyways, when we first got back in August I think my pent up repressed emotions spilled over because I spent 3 weeks allowing myself to yell at him CONSTANTLY. It's one thing to try to deal patiently with a kid all day and then raising your voice a few times during the course of a particularly uncooperative day, but constant anger and yelling? In the end I got really mad at myself and resolved to change things. So for the last month I have been really careful not to raise my voice and to take better time discussing things with him. It's hard sometimes, particularly when he gets extraordinarily rude, like rolling his eyes at my lectures and saying "ya ya ya", making faces at me, demanding something without so much as a please or a thankyou, even though I've ingrained that in him since he could first squeak out a syllable, or when he freaks out at me because I didn't phrase a question exactly the way he's envisioned it being asked in his head.
But I am actually happy because I feel like I've been doing all right with this. Not to pat myself on the back, I am definately far from perfect, but I am proud of myself for not freaking out at him over the day to day problems. The problems that I will either forget about in 10 years, or at least be able to look back at them and laugh, or at the very least I will be grateful that these stages are over.
But I still want to detoxify my parenting even more. No matter how much you might improve, the roller coaster doesn't stop and I know that I could hit a bump in the road that wears down my resolve and gets me yelling at him instead of lovingly parenting him. While he starts Dinosaur school next Wednesday, parents don't attend with their child so Kinark offers a Parenting class alongside it - mine starts this Wednesday. I was offered a choice between Triple P, which I've already done, and this one that I'm taking. I think it's called the Incredible Years (or maybe the Wonderful Years). All I know for sure is that the title is wonderful and makes me think that it will help me to appreciate these years that I know I will never get back. So, while I may screw up sometimes, like those few weeks in August, and I am ashamed to say a good portion of his JK year (the year of hell until May, when I finally pulled him out of school, for which he was just NOT ready), I am hoping that I can learn to appreciate these Incredible Years 99% of the time.... That to me is the most important detox of all.

Turkey Trip 2009, A collage of pics...

The video is kind of "cropped" so if you want to watch it in higher quality, just click on the video after it starts to play, it should pop up a new window directly to the Youtube vid, which you can also choose to play in HQ.... This one's only a bit over 3 minutes so not too torturous...